My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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