FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
