I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
