You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
