my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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