I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
