The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My cat gives me a boner
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
