She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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