Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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