Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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