i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
