Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
