lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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