I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
