What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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