the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
