He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
