So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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