I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
