I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize