In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
