I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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