people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
