Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
