I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
