Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
