He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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