Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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