Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
