Please, let me fuck your mom
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
