I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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