This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
