I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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