i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
