I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
