Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
