I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize