He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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