I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
