Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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