Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
