Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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