someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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