What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
well you can't waste a boner
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
