I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
