found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
