There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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