I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
