he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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