hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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