covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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