I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize