i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
