Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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