drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
