my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
