im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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