when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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